The Complete Blockhead's Guide on How to Know when the Black Helicopters are Coming for You... [WARNING: this post includes midgets, Lohans, Asian people, and incoherent ramblings]

Do you believe that unbelievably complex and intricate conspiracies exist all over the globe? Do you spend your nights in fear of Karl Rove's mind control machine figuring out a way to penetrate your carefully constructed aluminum foil hat? Have you ever taken a simple incident with a perfectly rational explanation and turned it into a complex flow chart that makes advanced Newtonian physics seems like a child's play? Lastly, have you ever used the words, "9/11 was an inside job!"? If you answered yes to any of the above questions then you are just the kind of blockhead this book was written for.

The first thing any good conspiracy theorist needs in order to ascertain whether the government is out to get them is an overly complex flowchart that would bewilder the rational mind of an unbeliever. Your chart, ideally, should be so complex as to confuse the authorities, should it turn out they have tiny cameras planted in your home, or even a microchip implanted in one of your butt cheeks that reads your thoughts. Check the left one, they seem to prefer that cheek- primarily because the right wing conspiracy machine has a sense of humor. But I digress.

Your flow chart should have at least a dozen different levels and at least 100 individuals. Don't let highly tentative and tangential linkages between these figures throw you astray. Trust that the link are there and find them- make them up if necessary. Did these people ever shake hands? Do they own the same kind of dog? These are the things you must know to determine if they are after you.

Now that your chart is in order, you must find an event
to be angry and bitter about. I know that this approach
seems backwards, but trust me, you can make anything
work if you are willing to take the time. And trust me,
you have the time.

But let's begin where every good conspiracy theory begins, with a member of the Bush administration. I chose Dick Cheney. Why? Well because there are more pictures of him online than Karl Rove, and I get to giggle a bit because his first name is "Dick." I know, one of these days I will grow up, but for now, let me have these small pleasures.

But now we must give Dick Cheney something to do that menaces the free world. let us think on this. I got it! Now I will cleverly insert G. W. Bush into our conspiracy theory. After all, he is responsible for every bad thing that happens in this world, right? I thought so.

So what is he doing to this young girl? Hugging her? No, that is the kind of simple explanation unbelievers and the uninitiated would fall for. It is obvious to us enlightened conspiracy theorists that he is clearly suffocating her with some kind of noxious poison stored in his underarm region. Want to take it a step further? Maybe Bush is a alien reptile in disguise planted by the WTO and the Trilateral Commission and he actual secretes a poisonous gas from his armpits. Actually, that is brilliant, I am sticking with that one.

So what good is a conspiracy without a cast of supporting characters- both big and small. It all begins with these two Chinese folks. Well, they aren't really Chinese. That's right, you saw through their clever disguises. They are really two interstellar arms dealers who helped to rig the 2000 election to put G.W. "Reptile Alien" Bush into power. That thumbs up signal is their indication of victory on the announcement of the Supreme Court decision in Bush v. Gore.


But who financed this operation? None other than that evil diabolical corporation Halliburton. Yes, through this unnamed young woman, they pass funds to George Bush to support his phony war on terror.

Now this is the part of this book where you do some work to build your skills in detecting conspiracies. Answer the following questions:

(1) What is the relationship between the young woman in the Halliburton photo to the young woman G. W. Bush is suffocating? (2) What is the real problem that G. W. is trying to distract us from with the clever diversionary tactic known as the Iraq war, part deux?

Take your time to answer those questions (and feel free to post your answers in the comments section). Now don't read further until you answered, as I posted the answers below...
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Done? Good.

So what was the relation between these two girls?

If you answered that the girl in George Bush's arms is a renegade clone of the Halliburton girl you would be correct. As we all know the government has perfected cloning technology and is using it to make copies of all of us. The reason Bush is suffocating that poor clone is that she threatened to reveal the real reason for his diversionary war in Iraq.

So beware that when you answer question two, you might face a similar fate. Whoops, I probably should have warned you. Oh well.

So what is the REAL answer to question two?

Nothing less than to ruin the career of noted thespian Lindsey Lohan. How you ask? Well, they were responsible for all of the following: her father's alcoholism, sending her father to jail, her horrible first album (her manager and producers were both government plants), I Know Who Killed Me AND Georgia Rule (The directors of both...you guessed it, government operatives), the alcohol in her system the night she was ticketed for a DUI, the cocaine found in her jeans (they were an old pair of G.W.'s blue jeans), and lastly they have completely infiltrated the rehab center and are secretly turning her into the next Manchurian Candidate/movie star. They plan to have her assassinate Hillary Clinton at a Hollywood fund raiser. Clever, aren't they.

But NOT clever enough since we both know us C.T.'s (Conspiracy Theorists) can see through their nefarious plots. But, if we are to really earn our keep, we must uncover every level of this horrible plots. So let's go back to the beginning and look at this step by step...

1. The above pictured alien interstellar arms dealers posing as Chinese folks rigged the 2000 election.

2. The unknown girl secretly funnels money from Halliburton to G.W. and his administration in exchange for them creating a clone she can use for spare body parts in another 30 years.

3. Said clone escapes her evil government captors and reveals the plot to this cyclops known only by the code name "Double Vision."
The cyclops then goes on to reveal the plot to yet another person...

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4. The cyclops revealed the plot to this person of small stature who was in reality a quintuple agent. This diabolical little person (you can't say midget anymore you insensitive right-wing conspiracy buffs out there) was/is working for the Russians, the Chinese, the Reptile people of Bornak, the Ghost of Orson Wells, and finally the Dutch. His true allegiance lies with only one of those parties, and that party is the Dutch.

Yeah, you guessed it, those Hollanders are at it again. Sore over the loss of their empire and trade routes back in the seventeenth century they have been secretly plotting ever since. And this little person is their main operative.


5. Who did that little mulleted man pass the information to? None other than the Spanish Inquisition. Why the Spanish Inquisition? [By now you should know where this joke is going] Because no one ever suspects the Spanish Inquisition!

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6. And just what did
he tell the Spanish Inquisition? He divulged to them this highly intelligent and witty way to secretly send messages to the undercover (in deep) operatives tasked with the job of ruining Lindsey Lohan's career. Brilliant isn't it? While the message might appear clear on it's face- or even its cheek. To understand the message you must jumble the letters and plug them into your secret decoder ring to discover that "Bush Go Home" really means, "Have Lindsey Spend More time with [her mother] Dina."

Eerie, isn't it? The precision which can be expressed on two butt cheeks by the world wide Bush/Cheney/ Halliburton cabal. But before we go further we must disclaim that Dina Lohan's poor parenting skills aren't her fault. No. They are the result of the evil influences of Karl Rove and his mind control device- created with financial support from (you guessed it) Halliburton. I told you this conspiracy was complex.

But like any good conspiracy theorist, you know that you are at the center of the BushCo. evil plot. Yup, that's right. When others call your fears narcissistic lunatic ramblings, I feel and understand your pain. Why? Because we both know you are right. The evil BushCo. cabal IS out to get YOU! But how? Well you'll be surprised when I tell you...

They [BushCo.] have figured out a way NOT ONLY to neutralize the special properties in your aluminum foil hat that block out the evil alien mind controls rays, but ALSO to AMPLIFY them! That's right. The tin foil hat you thought would protect your from Rove's dirty tricks is actually ONE of Rove's dirty tricks. Oh, those guys are SO evil!

So get those tin foil hats off right now! Good. Or is it? Maybe this whole post was just a BushCo. plot to get you to take off your tin foil hat. But relax, even if it was, you've given the Rovian mind control machine enough time to control your thoughts. So just sit back and enjoy the easy listening music. Welcome to the team.