Hi, my name is Mahmoud Admadinejad. I know it is hard to pronounce so you guys can just call me "Spanky." After all that is what my Iranian school yard chums nicknamed me.

Listen, I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I'm not all that bad of a guy. Sure the Bush administration is out to paint me as a tyrant and a fascist, but hey, we all know he is really the evil one. Right? Good, now that we have the pleasantries aside, I have some important things to talk about with you, the American people.

If you've been too busy ogling scantily clad women in the streets of your American cities you might not have noticed that I've been spending some time with Russian President Vladimir Putin. But our alliance isn't about taking over the West or usurping America's place in the world, and it isn't even about how good "Vladi"looks without his shirt off.

Umm, not that I've noticed or anything...I just...err...we were just attending this Democratic debate and well...don't ask, don't tell.

The point is you've been misled by your leaders- President Bush and that doughy guy whose name I always forget, is it Karl Cheney? Dick Roving? They want to take your attention off the real enemies that all of us- East and West, U.S. and Iran- share. That is why I am writing you today.

The following people are a threat to both the U.S. and the Islamic Republic of Iran....

Public Enemy #5 (Yes my letter is also a cheesy count down list, so sue me)

I know this guy's wife has breast cancer, but I have to wonder if at some point in the past he had testicular cancer. Why do I ask that question? Well because it appears, at least to my well trained Iranian eyes, that he has no balls. He puts his non-hajib covered wife out in public to do all his dirty work. I mean, what kind of cowardice is this? When I want to declare how I will wipe Israel off the map, I don't send Mrs. Admadinejad out there to say it for me. I step up to the podium, breath deeply the dung infested air of my sweet homeland, and shout it in the evil Zionists' collective face.

Until he grows a pair, he shall remain on my list.

Public Enemy # 4

I might be from Iran where the camels' behinds look tempting and the women's faces look like a camel's behind, but even to me this guy is ugly. And I don't mean plain ol' he makes me sick to my stomach ugly. I mean, lock up the kids, hide the livestock, and cover your eyes, someone has opened the Arc of the Covenant ugly.

I heard somewhere that one of your American whores...I mean women...married this man? Is this true? If so I guess Allah could not punish her anymore, so maybe she deserves an after life. If only women had souls.

Public Enemy #3

With this guy talking about closing down the internet and outlawing Christianity, he is starting to make me look open minded. And NO ONE makes Mahmoud look open-minded.

Although, I must admit I am curious (and not in the same way Elton was at one point) why this homosexual infidel is so closed minded? After all, doesn't he know that here in the glorious Peoples Republic of Iran he would be the recipient of all the stones he could carry home. In case you didn't know, in Iran we have a very generous policy toward homosexuals. When we find them we give them a proper Koranic stoning. Sorry, that is an inside joke among me and my not-so revolutionary guard.

Public Enemy # 2

This guy drives me crazy. When is he going to say something of substance? I mean, I don't run around saying "We all need to be empowered to achieve our goals" and other vague happy-feel-good guru crap like that, I just say, "We will annihilate the Zionist oppressors!"

I would rather read a book by that pudgy infidel Dr. Phil than sit through another Obama speech. And that says a lot, because here in Iran we hate Dr. Phil. A fat guy selling a weight loss book, that is such an infidel thing to do.

Public Enemy #1

Oh goodness, these guys stand for everything I hate. I bet Dr. Phil is under one of those hoods!

Well thank you for taking the time to read my letter. Hopefully we now have a better understanding of each other. I hope you know that I don't desire to rule the whole world- just most of it. And my nuclear ambitions are entirely peaceful- what? No, I so did not have my fingers crossed when I said that. Whatever.